Thirties.-

I have nothing but memories and if you know me well you’ll see that might that wouldn’t be much. Anyway, I still have the feeling of knowing “why probably I’m here right now” or the feeling of “have found myself in this universe”. That’s enough to me, after thirty years. I think it’s fair have found that, because it was something I had been always looking for. The truth, the meaning of my life, a reason to exist. Don’t we always want to know that? Don’t we?

After all, I think it’s alright feel in that way now in the present. I do know that that could change at any moment. I could wake up tomorrow and have lost the sense of my being again. Find no sense to this reality.  

I also think that if I found myself, and a reason to exist that should be something to be proud of. But I’m not, because as I’d read once from Shonda Rhimes “You know what happens when all your dreams come true? Nothing”. And that is one truth, nothing happens. You might could reach a sense of happiness but it doesn’t last forever, you keep asking other questions after have found your answers to whatever you were asking for.

(Really, I don’t know your life but I’m talking about mine and assuming that in general people’s life works in that way).

I have a memory that when I turned twenty-five I said to a bunch of friends I have pick the song that was going to be my song for that year. That song was going to represent me for that year. I thought that song was full of meaning of things I believed in. That song was “Yo me levanto” of Morodo. I did really like that song back in time. I just didn’t know that that song was going to follow me up to my thirties. Every time I hang around those friends they play that song to me, they sing it, they’ve make it their song (but for those who don’t know I went through a difficult time between my twenty-six to twenty-eight. I was down, I did cry heaps, I had many things in my mind that I wanted to understand).

So there I was, going through one of my hardest times of life and there were they singing to me “Yo me levanto”. Playing that song over and over again. That was funny to me. That was hilarious.

At the same time, I knew they wanted to make me feel better. I just wasn’t interested in getting any better. I just wanted to have my answers to those things I didn’t understand. I had my answers and my friends still play that song. We sing it sometimes but for me it has lost its meaning somehow. I’m kinda don’t like it anymore.

This have nothing to be with my friends, it wasn’t their fault. That was me that change. Things that had makes sense to  me at my twenty-fives have stopped making sense. Now I know it would be like that for the rest of my life. Before I was ignoring at it. I wanted to believed different. I wanted to think that my feelings about things, people, even music will last forever.

I think that things sooner or later lose sense. It is life showing you that nothing last forever. Deep in thought sometimes I say to myself  “I don’t have anything to be proud of”. Then, I answer to me “it’s all good you do not need to be proud of anything”.  I found that thinking during my twenty-nines. I think it’s awesome. I haven’t seen any good in my life coming from pried. I don’t longer see good things coming to people’s life from pried. Maybe I’ve got lost in something, I want to believe instead I found something better than pried which is humbleness.

Humbleness let me free. It allows me to say whatever I want, think whatever I want, do whatever I want knowing I could be missing something. Tomorrow I can fix it if I failed. I can ask forgiveness from people if I did something wrong (which happens), tomorrow I can change my mind about something and say I was wrong in my thinking. Humbleness allows me to do that. Instead, pried goes always first. It always want to go first than anything. 

People stop talking each other for pried, they stop seen each other, stop being friends, make war, kills. I think one part of pried has to be with Ego and another part has to be with Power. People think that if their Ego is bigger they’re better persons or they can control more things in their life’s. But I’ve seen that it doesn’t work in that way. For me, people with too much Ego makes me want to get away from them. I’m totally fine knowing that I’m nothing in this universe, just a short sight, a little particle. Yes, that was my answer of thirty years. I’m nothing (wasn’t that you were expecting?) and I’m totally fine with it.

People wants to validate themselves being arrogant, showing they’ve got something cool in them. But doesn’t it just arrogance? Better you show me something different.

People think they’re cool been cruel with others, humiliating others, showing they’re above in who knows which level. I can respect that, I’m just not agree with it must be like that. I’ve been happy invalidating myself. Showing I can do more than I was doing to myself, I mean, living in a way I haven’t live before. Having new believes.

I have always admired people that say they don’t regret about nothing. My life I think has been short, but  plenty of regrets of things I didn’t do or I did wrong, I regret had hurt people that I did love with all my hearth. I regret I had say things I shouldn’t have say. Therefore, all of it were lessons I had to learn. I do not live a guilty life anyway, it did happen. It is away from my present. It has changes me. I became tough. I feel less now than before. I’m more rational if it is the way to say it. Over all, I’m more mature and I think that’s a good thing.

Having to change your mind (as I think we always are doing) makes you feel hurt sometimes. Or maybe a kind of pain? It is difficult have to accept you were wrong.   It’s difficult to accept you have to let your believes apart and move on to find a new ones. Isn’t it?

Also think if there is a huge ego on you you’ll feel lost. The pain is proportional to your ego. I used to be really stubborn. My pain was big. I had to kick it away.

But also pain goes changing through your life. When I was younger I had many thing I didn’t wanted to believe in because it was painful. After it, came the time that life shows me reality and I had to accept that was what I meant to live. Accepted the death of my granny, accepted the continues divorces of my parents, accepted my own divorce, accepted that family and friend goes away when you need them most. I have accepted my solitude in this world. And if it was something that was painful I’m okay with it. If it was something I didn’t wanted to believe in then I regret for it. Because things are what they are, you couldn’t change them even if you wish it with all your heart.

Pain always get away though, so it last just long enough to make you grown up. You feel less pain next time you fall. Maybe, after pain you start to feel more fear about things before you didn’t care about.  

Maybe I used to be too much idealistic and became realistic.

In the proportion of if someone is telling me a lie in my face I don’t want to even try to think that lie it’s a true. I would know they’re hiding something from me. It’s a perception I think one develop with time. Also, I don’t normally can make it to lie. My face always says what I’m thinking whether it’s good or bad so.

In thirty years I’ve got though. Pain hurts but doesn’t kills and it always helps to self-growing.

In the last time I’ve been thinking on that part of have to accept things changing  around and our own mind changing every time, every day. It’s really exhausting. Nevertheless, there are things that doesn’t change. Sadly, those things are the ones we would like to change. Time flies, you can’t control it if there was time you wasted   it’s gone. Say goodbye to it.

Things are always changing, I’ve said it already. It doesn’t change. The perception of your destiny doesn’t change. You can try to make many things and change your mind many times. But your perception of your own destiny would be the same.

There is one point, destiny. I think I kinda know my destiny and in thirty years I’ve accepted it. Which is your destiny?

I said I found a reason to live for that’s me and my destiny. As simple as that. And I know if at any time I want to get away from my destiny if I do not recognize it. Life will bring me back to those things I meant to be, whether if it means joy or sorrows. You can call it Karma, I’ve been calling it destiny.

Out  there are things I still wonder and want to make them happen. I want to find a place where I wish to be part of. I want to find a place that makes me feel I would like to stay forever in there. I think I have never found myself wanted to stay at one place. I always want to change, and when I have change I wanna change again. That makes me feel I haven’t been part of nothing seriously. Which is worst I think if I keep moving as I’ve done through my life I would never be part of something. Is it  that one my destiny? Be part of many things and people’s life but being part of nothing and no one life’s at the same time? We’ll see in the next thirty years.

Maybe isn’t bad being nothing and part of nothing, instead of it I get freedom. But life many times it’s so much more about other things than freedom.

Life sometimes is about the happiness of been waiting for someone to calling you, for someone to text you, someone to come. Someone that isn’t you. Life is meet your friends to grab a beer and get drunk telling stories.  Cooking for your family. Teach your new recipe to your brother. Read a fairy tale to your nieces. If you freedomly  don’t do all of it it’s alright. But if you have nothing but freedom you should think about it.

Do I’ll be free or I’ll just have freedom? Who knows!

Who is caring for me where there is no one left? Who I’m caring for if I’m the only one left? When you live overseas alone sometimes you got those kind of questions. You go through moments when you feel alone like never before. And that is the truth you’re alone like never before. You’re really alone.

I’ve been in both sides though so in my experience which is only mine, I think that freedom in excess becomes loneliness and too much compromise with people becomes slavery. Hahaha. To say it somehow.  I’ve been slave of that guilty pleasure of been waiting for someone to come, who hasn’t?

So here I go, I’m nothing but a smile in my face sometimes and I really don’t want to be anything else.

I’m alive, free and optimistic at my 30’s looking forward to the future, new experiences, new feelings. Let’s found out!

Lo que fue de mi después de lo que fue de mi.-

La escara del hedonismo finalmente triunfó en mi piel, la cual más marchita, después de algunos años, solo se conforma con la caricia ocasional. La realidad antes paralela pasó a ser la principal de mi vida, o quizás ¿Me cambié de túnel? No lo sé.
Pero cuando llegó el florecimiento del hedonismo, abiertamente, llegó la Primavera.
Una Primavera, sin embargo; triste, vacía, solitaria, cruel.
Era una Primavera de rosas de Otoño, de prisas sin prisa, de días nublados, de sensación de libertad.

Fui todo lo que no había sido.
Me despojé de mis roles, me convertí en puta y brindé con Jesús el carpintero, con Pedro el pescador, con Judas, que bueno... ya saben.
Entendí, por qué Dios decidió convertirse en hombre, y por qué decidió el oficio de carpintero. Por qué vino a este mundo a rodearse de putas, después de haber nacido de una mujer virgen. Entendí por qué Jesús multiplicó el vino y los peces. Por qué curó a los enfermos, por qué se hizo humilde y se rodeó de la "escoria".
Ebrio placer es querer ser superhéroe, salvar al mundo, ser luz. Algunos, también más altruistas le llamarán "gozo". El placer del gozo de ser "luz", de ser "altruistas".
La luz de ser luz, a veces es oscura, también hedonista.
Aún así entendí el altruismo de Jesús desde su visión teocéntrica y entendí a sus mundanos hermanos desde sus visiones egocéntricas.

Entendí la tranquilidad de escoger un oficio, ser feliz aprovechando el instante.
Abandoné lo onírico, decidí vivir de realidad, me desmoralicé... Sí, mucho. Y eso fue bueno, entendí todo lo que estaba escondido bajo la alfombra de esta "sociedad", o casi todo. Esa fue la parte más cruda de la Primavera, pero también la más verdadera.
Me dí cuenta poco a poco cómo mi vida siempre había estado cubierta de mentiras, cómo la poderosa ignorancia había vivido mi vida, cómo me habían robado el tiempo haciéndome (obligándome) a querer creer que quería hacer cosas que nunca quise hacer, mucho menos creer. Me revelé, ante esos seres y como en cada revelación me sentí más solitaria, más incomprendida, mientras decidía aislarme hacia mi soledad para ver los colores tornasoles de mi piel, por el florecimiento de mi hedonismo.
Por la llegada de ideas nuevas, por la valentía de enfrentarlas, de aceptarme, de romper el molde exitista y sistémico.

Me cagué en los conceptos de "familia nuclear", "matrimonio", "pareja única", "amor eterno", "heterosexualidad", "ser ejemplo". Renací en mi esencia y aprendí de mi familia disfuncional, de mi matrimonio heterosexual fallido, saqué fuerzas de la infidelidad de mi ex-marido, acepté mi bisexualidad y que no quiero ser el ejemplo de nadie. Fracasé en todo y estaba bien, entendí que de eso se tratan las apuestas perder o ganar. A mi me tocó perder, pero seguí jugando y eso no me robó la sonrisa, me llevó a ser lo que debía ser, al lugar donde tenía que estar para ser feliz.

Me reconocí testaruda y soberbia, y renuncié a ambas cualidades.
Volví a pensar en Jesús y en su oficio, siendo Dios decidió ser carpintero... luego oí en la radio a John Lennon cantando la frase "you've gotta be free".
Volví al iluminado Siddharta, medité, pensé en Alá, otra vez en Krishna.
Descansé en el sentimiento universal del amor, dándome cuenta de que no tenía a nadie específico a quién amar  y entonces mi amor estuvo abierto y libre para quien lo quisiese recibir o aceptar.
Y reafirmé mi hedonismo.